Movie Review: 47 Ronin

I’m not sure whether to dislike 47 Ronin or feel pity for it. The movie was supposed to come out in 2012, the budget somehow ballooned from $150 to $220 million, the director Carl Rinsch suffered a nervous breakdown while filming, he was fired shortly and the studio reedited and reshot the movie to make it more Hollywood-ey. Heck, Keanu Reeves was not even supposed to be the protagonist of the film and that changed after filming was completed. And Reeves had done this movie to finance his own directorial debut The Man of tai Chi which also bombed. I’m quite sure that a film on the making on 47 Ronin would be way more entertaining than this movie.

The Japanese press has called 47 Ronin the second worst thing to have happened to the country this century, the first being the tsunami. And the film pretty much is a lumbering, sloppy, utter mess. It’s offensive to the Japanese (and fans of Japanese cinema like me) because it doesn’t know the difference between a Yakuza, a Shogun, a Samurai and a Ronin. It doesn’t know how to develop characters. It doesn’t know how to construct an entertaining fight sequence. It doesn’t know how to create good CGI. And it certainly doesn’t know that post converting a bad movie to 3D is like poking our eyes with nunchucks. It’s a sad, stark display of everything that can go wrong while making a movie, and budding filmmakers can probably use the behind the scenes stories to know what not to do while making a film.

The story is credited to Chris Morgan and Hossein Amini but there’s no way even an alphabet from their script made it to the screen. The only thing the filmmakers had to do was follow the Ronin story – it’s a great, heroic, tragic tale of banished warriors avenging the death of their leader. They didn’t need to change anything because the material was gold by itself. Imagine 300 done with the narrative and aesthetic style of 13 Assassins – that what 47 Ronin would have been. But 47 Ronin for some reason throws in a witch, a dragon and other magic realism elements that make no sense and are quite badly designed to even entertain.

The acting is universally terrible starting with Reeves carrying the lone expression of a sad outcast and Rinko Kikuchi (from Babel and Pacific Rim) playing a witch as if in a Ramsay film. Hiroyuki Sanada (Kaneda from Sunshine) was originally supposed to be the hero and he’s clearly unhappy with being sidelined in a role that doesn’t make any sense. If there’s anything good to be said about the film it’s the one or two instances of grand production design, but that’s pretty much it. Director Rinsch is the protégé of Ridley Scott and is the guy behind terrific commercials and some truly amazing short films like The Gift. Whether it was studio interference that did him in or his inability to handle such a huge budgeted debut film remains unclear. But there are some cool ideas and some evident traces of a good film hidden in 47 Ronin, hopefully he’ll get to make something like that someday. 

(First published in MiD Day)

Movie Review: Walter Mitty

After watching Ben Stiller’s hilarious Tropic Thunder I expected his next directorial venture to also be a star studded comedy. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is not a comedy, it’s a tearjerker sappy dramedy, and it’s a bad idea because drama is clearly not Stiller’s forte.

The second film adaptation of the short story of the same name and hitting screens after decades of development hell, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is visually spectacular, but it doesn’t have a heart or a brain in its script to turn it into a memorable film. Stiller casts himself in the role of Mitty, an employee of Life magazine who frequently blacks out and daydreams about all kinds of stuff. On that front the movie is fun – the cutaways from reality to dream are seamless and moderately funny. It’s when the film tries to sentimentalize Mitty’s ‘problem’ and tries to make a statement about ‘quitting your job and living the dream’ that it fails to find footing.

One other problem is that Stiller in the lead role here is somehow dull and unsympathetic – you don’t feel anything for the character. Whether he rollerblades on an Icelandic highway, or escapes a volcano, or flies a helicopter and jumps into the ocean, or climbs a mountain in Afghanistan, his expression never changes. Stiller expects you to be blown away by the imagery and Mitty’s experiences but his own expressions don’t register that feeling. It doesn’t help that Kristen Wiig once again plays the exact same awkward mildly stuttering but likable character.

Stiller’s observations of the contemporary world remain intact. Tropic Thunder had a geek rambling about a Blu Ray player in a PS3 as opposed to lack of one in Xbox 360, Walter Mitty sheds some light on the sudden tragic death of the print industry. There are a couple of sequences where the film becomes completely over the top in Mitty’s daydream cutaways, if only the rest of the film were as engaging and intelligent as those two scenes. 

(First published in MiD Day)

The Worst Bollywood Movies of 2013

2013 was a wonderful year for Bollywood – the industry gave us Satya 2, Murder 3, I Don’t Luv You, Hum Hai Rahi CAR ke, Shortcut Romeo, Ekk Thee Sanam and Ishq Actually. With great vengeance I sifted through the cinematic trash can to collate the worst movies of the year. Because these movies weren’t hand grenades, but the atom bombs whose detonations of dreadfulness created Hiroshima and Nagasaki sized mushroom clouds in my cerebrum and caused permanent damage to my mental harmony.

10) R Rajkumar

With choice lines like 'mere mooh mat lagna, mai sehed ke liye haanikaarak hoon', and Sonu Sood singing ‘I am your Bull, You are my shit, Together we are Bullshit’, R Rajkumar was an unfunny, idiotic, juvenile, maddening, moronic, outdated gulag of guano that galled and irritated with every passing second of its interminable stream of pig swill pretending to be humor. Not to mention the film’s regressive and misogynistic tone that expected the audience to cheer when a woman gets whipped.

9) Himmatwala

Sajid Khan was confident that Himmatwala would be Ajay Devgn’s biggest hit and one of the most successful Hindi films of all time. For assuming that he really is a Himmatwala, as were the poor sods who dared to watch this movie in theatres. The film was presented as ‘a Sajid Khan Entertainer’, but it was pretty much the entertainment equivalent of being poked in the ribs with a screwdriver for two and a half hours.

8) Issaq

Manish Tiwar’s Issaq used the soundtrack of Blood Diamond in its trailers but was made as if its only purpose was to infuriate the audiences. From terrible green screen to hopelessly horrible writing and acting, this was a fully equipped stinker doomed to tank.

7) Grand Masti

How this movie, starring a singularly uncharismatic trio of actors, with ten year old SMS jokes as its selling point managed to make money is beyond my realm of understanding. But hey, one shouldn’t blame the audience right? Shame on me for even thinking along those lines.

6) Sanjay Dutt Double Bill

Policegiri and Zilla Ghaziabad are proof that Sanjay Dutt wanted to commit two crimes so heinous it would take the focus off his 1993 court case. The only reason why he keeps getting out of Yerawada every now and then is because they keep playing Policegiri and Zilla Ghaziabad in the rec room TV.

5) Satyagraha

At this point it is clear that Prakash Jha is only making movies to troll audiences. There is absolutely no other way that the guy who made Damul, Mrityudand and Gangaajal would make Raajneeti, Aarakshan, Chakraviyuh and Satyagraha, all of which look like unused footage from one single film that Jha shot and abandoned in the 90’s.

4) Chennai Express

Good comedy film me interesting plot hoti, solid characters hoti, funny jokes hoti, comic timing hoti. Kya? Tum ye sab Chennai Express se maangti? Tum High Maintenance Diva hoti. Humesha jaake bokwas Nicholas Winding Refn film dekhti aur commercial cinema appreciate nahi karti.

3) Zanjeer

Not much needs to be explained about a movie where Prakash Raj the villain mouths ‘Chickens and chicks are the two meows of my life’ and the hero Ram Charan’s facial muscles are so tightly attached his eyelids would close if he scratched his cheek. The cherry on top was director Apurva Lakhia making blatant mockery of the late crime journalist J Dey to commercialize his film.

2) Krrish 3

With CGI made from MS Paint, costumes recycled from Alif Laila, a super villain Garbage Can Man, made by people who are convinced that Hrithik + Dance + Flying + Kangana cleavage = free money, and box office shamelessly inflated to pretend to be a blockbuster, Krrish 3 is the pits of filmmaking. This wasn’t even a film, this was Rakesh Roshan calling you a moron for two and a half hours, and it wasn’t the worst movie of the year only because of the existence of Ram Gopal Verma.

1) The Attacks of 26/11

It took an RGV to demonstrate that Kasab wasn’t the worst thing to happen to the 26/11 victims. The Attacks of 26/11 will be used as a case study on how a filmmaker can make the most offensive possible film on a national tragedy. It astounds me that RGV utilized the music from the video game Max Payne during the shootout scenes. It astounds me that this movie had a sex scene between two rubber tyres. It astounds me that he got away with all of this, and he still continues to procure money from producers to make more films.

Bonus Suite - Films that are so bad they’re awesome:

Rajdhani Express – Starring Leander Paes as a psychotic killer.

3G – Where Neil Nitin Mukesh is haunted by a mobile phone screen ghost whenever there is 3G connectivity.

Enemmy – Starring Mithun, his son Mahakshay, Sunil Shetty, Kay Kay Menon, Johnny Lever, Mahesh Manjrekar as Expendables style CBI officers.

Sona Spa – India’s answer to Inception, starring Naseeruddin Shah as the owner of a spa where women don’t sleep with you, but for you.

Dishonourable Mentions: Besharam, Chashme Badoor, Gori Tere Pyaar Me, Boss, Rangrezz

(First published in Firstpost)

15 Most Anticipated Hindi films of 2014

Thanks to the success of Ship of Theseus, The Lunchbox and Shahid the face of ‘Bollywood’ underwent a massive overhaul in 2013. The lines between commercial, indie, offbeat and arthouse were blurred, and 2014 has an even bigger assortment of interesting films to look forward to. There’s X, an experimental film co-directed by 11 different filmmakers, Rajat Kapoor’s Aankhon Dekhi which got solid buzz at SAIFF, Dedh Ishqyia the sequel to Abhishek Chaubey’s colourful 2011 film, and 15 other films that are very intriguing.

15) Miss Lovely

Starring Nawazuddin and Anil George as brothers producing scummy D-grade horror movies in the 80’s, Ashim Ahluwalia’s debut film after competing in Cannes finally releases in India. The censor board gave the film an insane 157 cuts - it took a year for Ahluwalia to appease the CBFC and get his internationally acclaimed Indian film an Indian release.

14) PK

The tag team of Rajkumar Hirani and Aamir Khan’s follow up to 3 Idiots promises a religious/political satire of sorts. It’s got Sushant Singh Rajput and Anushka Sharma in supporting roles, with Ram Sampath’s music to boot.

13) Queen

Everything about this movie looks interesting. I’d heard about how good the script was while it was filming. Then I heard about how good the film turned out to be. My doubts were dissipated when I saw the wonderful trailer. Kangana Ranaut has been getting some respect for her interviews but this could be the film that would make you take her seriously as a good actress.

12) City Lights

Hansal Mehta’s follow up to his powerful Shahid is a remake of UK’s 2013 Oscar entry Metro Manila and it’s got the highly underrated Raj Kumar Rao in the starring role.

11) Finding Fanny Fernandes

After five consecutive big hits, two of which had genuinely good performances, Deepika Padukone reteams with her Cocktail director Homi Adjania for a dysfunctional family road trip comedy. If the genre doesn’t interest you, the supporting cast of Pankaj Kapoor, Naseeruddin Shah, Dimple and Arjun Kapoor certainly will.

10) Haider

It’s hard not to be pumped for Vishal Bharadwaj’s adaptation of Hamlet. With (a hopefully controlled) Shahid Kapoor, Shraddha Kapoor and Maqbool co-stars Tabu and Irrfan, Haider might just be the film that renders Bharadwaj his much deserved box office success.

9) NH 10

Navdeep Singh, the director of Manorama Six Feet Under had a tough time when his potentially awesome projects Basra and the Punju wedding zombie comedy were canned. His latest is a fiery horror thriller about a couple’s road trip gone awry. It’s going to be a pretty dark and badass film, with a potentially cult classic female character in the lead.

8) Ugly

Hands down, the biggest disappointment of 2013 was the non-release of Anurag Kashyap’s Ugly. I was lucky enough to catch a screening and I can confirm that Anurag is in absolutely incendiary form, at the top of his game here. It’s perhaps the best thing Anurag has made since Paanch, and hopefully we’ll get to see it early if the anti-smoking banner peddling panjandrums from the health ministry are appeased.

7) Katiyabaaz

A docu on the power crisis in Kanpur, Deepti Kakkar and Fahad Mustafa’s Katiyabaaz is a comedy, an expose, a satire, a vigilante tale, and one of the most enjoyable films I saw in 2013. If the movie gods do exist, and producers do possess some sense, this will hopefully release wide this year.

6) Qissa

Anup Singh’s film made waves at the 2013 Toronto International Film festival and the Mumbai Film Festival. The film is an excellent, deeply sensitive and quietly bold film that goes into subject matter that has hardly been explored in the way it does. Plus it’s got terrific performances from Irrfan, Tilotama Shome and Rasika Duggal.

5) Tumbad

Anand Gandhi’s next from his production house Recyclewala Films is an interesting little period thriller with elements of horror and fantasy and a mysterious haunted well. It’s directed by debutant Rahi Anil Barve who made the ultra-dark short film Manjha earlier.

4) Sulemani Keeda

Director Amit Masurkar’s ‘Versova Indie’ which premiered at the Mumbai Film Festival takes us into the topsy turvy world of struggling screenwriters, star writers and the manic circus that is Bollywood.

3) Detective Byomkesh Bakshi

Dibakar Bannerjee is making a Byomkesh Bakshi thriller. With Yash Raj productions. With Sushant Singh Rajput in the title role. Set in 1940’s Kolkata. Sold.

2) Bombay Velvet

The long gestating period noir epic from Anurag Kashyap is bound to be a massive film. With Ranbir Kapoor playing a boxer, Karan Johar in an ‘antagonistic’ role, jazz based music from Amit Trivedi and the fact that Kashyap is making a big budget film it’s impossible to not be excited about this.

1) Titli

By far the most anticipated Hindi film of the year, and one which is guaranteed to make the international festival buzz in 2014, Kanu Behl’s film got tremendous acclaim at Goa Film Bazaar recently. The film stars Ranvir Shorey and is a drama-thriller that delves into patriarchal issues, freedom from roots, and human cost of aspirations of a new India as seen through the eyes of a family of car robbers.

(First published in Firstpost on Dec 31 2013)