The First Annual Fauxscar Movie Awards

From milking cash cows to ludicrous PR stunts, across unashamed digital IMAX thievery to complete disregard for the audience's well being, the land of Hollywood brings many-a-joys.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the premier edition of the Fauxscar Awards! Hit it John Williams!

BEST INSOLENT CASH GRAB

WINNER: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Why make one movie when you can split a book into two? That's one whole more billion dollars right there! Kaching!

Runners up:

• Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1
• Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides
• The Hangover Part 2
• Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked

BEST CORNEA GANGRAPE VIA 3D

WINNER: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

A barefaced franchise cash in to begin with, the 3D in 'On Stranger Tides' was beyond any acceptable or known levels of terrible. Arrr .. the only words from Hollywood execs to a paying patron's eyeball were 'Thar she blows'. 

Runners up:

• Priest
• Green Hornet
• Sanctum

BEST TEEN-CENTRIC MOVIE CLOYING ENOUGH TO CAUSE ACID REFLUX

WINNER: I am Number 4

A chock-full of teenage hammy ham-handedness and a hilariously shabby hodgepodge of 'Twilight' and Nicolas Sparks, 'I am Number 4' is as uninspiring as they come. This movie presents Michael Bay as a producer of a romance drama, an idea so ridiculous it could never even happen in fiction, let alone in real life.

Runners up:

•  Red Riding Hood
• The Art of Getting By
• Abduction
• Beastly

BEST GRANDILOQUENT TALK-ATHON DOUBLING AS CURE FOR  INSOMNIA

 WINNER: J Edgar

The most sugar-frosted biopic since 'A Beautiful Mind', this movie makes you feel like a child who was forcibly fed half a bottle of cough syrup and asked to finish three weeks of pending algebra homework.

Runners up:

• Anonymous
• Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
• War Horse

BEST POOR EXCUSE OF A COMEDY

WINNER: The Change-Up

With a script that seemed like it was written on used toilet paper, 'The Change-Up' brought us the two most unlikable characters of 2011 in the form of Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. The 'jokes' are so unfunny it's impossible to not be overcome by an urge to strangle yourself 30 minutes in.

Runners up:

• Just go with it
• Horrible Bosses
• Zookeeper

BEST JUGULAR VEIN OPENER

WINNER: Battle: Los Angeles

This was not only the worst movie of 2011 but also one of the worst movies to ever have arrived in theaters. In fact the best way to describe this abominable piece of garbage is the Bin Laden of action movies.

Runners up: 

• Your Highness
• One Day
• Red State
• In Time   

And now, to present four Hall Of Fame awards, please give a big warm welcome to Fauxscars Academy High Priest daddy_san! *Cue in dramatic swing music*


BEST GRATUITOUSLY FLAILING SEX SCENE 

WINNER: Monster's Ball.

We honor the most innovative use of conjugated genitalia in creating Academy-baiting perceptions of "Intense" storylines. Full frontals are entry prerequisites, sexual thrusting guarantees consideration and a combination of both as well as inter-racial or same-sex situations is a winner.

BEST CRIPPLOITATION AWARD

 
WINNER: My Left Foot.

Two arms, two legs, ten fingers and toes is plain vanilla. There's almost 7 billion of us just like that. What the we like to see is NOT JUST how people with disabilities rise above their lot, but how that lot is really the worst cesspool of existence. Don't judge us for that! The Academy would like to provide a FRAME OF REFERENCE for chrissakes! Makes you people feel less entitled while allowing you a secret laugh at these poor fucks. Win-win!


BEST BAFTA

Winner: Shakespeare in Love

We at the Fauxscars Academy value linguistic integrity. With much of it missing in America (I mean, "ax"? Seriously?) it would like to satisfy its secret colonial hangover and inferiority complex by honoring well-enunciated English which makes the Academy's members go wet between the legs. Story, acting prowess or relevance is a plus but not compulsory.  

Best Iraq-Was-A-Bad-Idea-And-We'll-Keep-Showing-You-Bodybags-Until-You-Agree-Award

WINNER: Hollywood.

Make love, not war. No, wait....do make a little war so we can accompany you and make movies with realism. Movies that argue against the very reprehensible, pointless activities that aid their existence and authenticity. And when they succeed, heck we'll gather up a bunch of Saudi goatherds and dress them in fatigues. But until then, we would like to honor the most brutal depictions of war, the ensuing carnage and the terrible lives of its limbless, spiritless survivors.

That was daddy_san, ladies and gentlemen. *Exits to swing music and rapturous applause*

We've saved the most inelegant for the last, so without any further procrastination, I present:

The Kings Speech Award for BEST PRETENTIOUS ENGLISH BULLSHIT MASQUERADING AS ART

WINNER: The Iron Lady.

The Mel Gibson Award for BEST SHAMELESS PUBLICITY STUNT

WINNER: The Blake Lively nude photo scandal that 'coincidentally' happened right before the release of Green Lantern.

BEST ACTOR IN A MISLEADING ROLE

WINNER: Nicolas Cage in Drive Angry 3D.

BEST ACTRESS IN A PLEADING ROLE

WINNER: Emily Browning in Sleeping Beauty.

BREAST SUPPORTING ACTOR

WINNER: Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House 3.

BREAST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

WINNER: Adam Sandler in and as Jack and Jill.

BEST VAINGLORIOUS MARKETING CAMPAIGN

WINNER: The Sleeping Beauty DVD release PR stunt. Which offered one lucky winner 1000 pounds to be tucked up in a luxurious bed in a public place for 12 straight hours.

BEST WHOLE-MOVIE-SHORTENED-INTO-A-TRAILER

BEST BRAIN CURDLING MIGRAINE INDUCING POSTER

Runners up:

BEST ASININE HOLLYWOOD TWEET OF THE YEAR

WINNER: Roger Ebert, for his heartfelt eulogy on the tragic death of 'Jackass' star Ryan Dunn.