Movie Review: Transformers Age of Extinction

If you thought Michael Bay has lost his touch, fear not, because Transformers: Age of Extinction has all the elements that made the first three films memorable. And I’m not talking of just the misogyny, racism or the blonde butt shots. I’m talking of literally every single plot element.

The story of Transformers 1 – an American kid struggles with parental issues regarding his love life, discovers a robot in his house, and joins the fight against evil robots who desperately want an otherworldly object, and then take over the Earth for an unexplained reason. The film ends with the city being smashed to smithereens. The battle seems to be over once and for all. But it actually isn’t. 

The story of Transformers 2 – an American kid struggles with parental issues regarding his love life, discovers a robot in his house, and joins the fight against evil robots who desperately want an otherworldly object, and then take over the Earth for an unexplained reason. The film ends with the city being smashed to smithereens. The battle seems to be over once and for all. But it actually isn’t. 

The story of Transformers 3 - an American kid struggles with parental issues regarding his love life, discovers a robot in his house, and joins the fight against evil robots who desperately want an otherworldly object, and then take over the Earth for an unexplained reason. The film ends with the city being smashed to smithereens. The battle seems to be over once and for all. But it actually isn’t.

The story of Transformers 4 - an American kid struggles with parental issues regarding her love life, discovers a robot in her house, and joins the fight against evil robots who desperately want an otherworldly object, and then take over the Earth for an unexplained reason. The film ends with the city being smashed to smithereens. The battle seems to be over once and for all. But it actually isn’t. 

And don’t you worry about the action – like in the previous three movies there are long, contrived and unnecessary chase scenes. Like in the previous three movies, there is no way to make out which transformer is fighting whom. There is a bit more personality to the Transformers this time because they’re voiced by celebrities, but rest assured, you care about none of them. The dinobots are a nice addition, but you need to wait for two excruciating hours for them to show up. Don’t worry about the lead’s acting either, Mark Wahlberg makes Shia LeBeouf and even his own turn in The Happening seem Oscar worthy.

So when you see the thousandth explosion, the millionth shot of a talented actor selling out for a cash grab (Stanley Tucci in this case), and the tease of a fifth installment, make sure you stand and recite the Gospel words: Michael Bay is God. Michael Bay forever.

(First published in Mid Day)