The Second Annual Fauxscar Awards

From milking cash cows to ludicrous PR stunts, across unashamed digital IMAX thievery to complete disregard for the audience's well being, the land of Hollywood brings many-a-joys.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the deux edition of the Fauxscar Awards - Hit it John Williams!

BEST INSOLENT CASH GRAB

WINNER: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Why make one movie when you can split a book into two? No three! That's two whole more billion dollars right there! Kaching! 

Runners up: 

• Titanic 3D
• Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2
• American Reunion
• Taken 2

BEST CORNEA GANGRAPE VIA 3D

WINNER: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. 

Apart from being the worst superhero film since 'Fantastic Four', the 3D in 'Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance' was beyond any acceptable or known levels of terrible. The only advantage of it was that it significantly reduced the details on Nicolas Cage's face.

Runners up:

• Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
• John Carter
• Wrath of the Titans

BEST TEEN-CENTRIC MOVIE CLOYING ENOUGH TO CAUSE ACID REFLUX

WINNER: Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2

After four years of back to back movies, each more unbearably painful than the previous, the finale proved to be a big rollicking glob of awfulness. Teens got what they wanted - an ethereal hero with shaved chest and glowing nipples, Maybelline eyeliner wearing Volturi, Revlon lipstick wearing werewolves and the Dabur Amla Kesh Tel vampires at war with each other.

Runners up:

• The Apparition 
• For a Good Time Call
• The Lucky One

BEST GRANDILOQUENT TALK-ATHON DOUBLING AS CURE FOR  INSOMNIA

WINNER: Amour

Regarded by esteemed critics as a moving, emotionally charged masterpiece that transcends love and togetherness, Amour was actually found footage drama captured through a camera outside a Help Age India hospice.

Runners up:

• Cosmopolis
• Farewell My Queen
• Salmon Fishing in the Yemen
• On The Road

BEST POOR EXCUSE OF A COMEDY

WINNER: That's My Boy

With a script that exudes the charm of a used diaper, 'That's my Boy' brought us the two most unlikable characters of 2012 in the form of Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg. The funniest 'jokes' in the film were a scene involving a brother and sister having sex and a reference to pedophilia.

Runners up:

• The Watch
• Friends With Kids
• Tower Block

BEST JUGULAR VEIN OPENER

WINNER: Piranha 3DD

This was not only the worst movie of 2012 but also one of the worst, most misogynist movies to ever have graced cinema screens. Choice scenes included a Piranha getting stuck in the anus of a fat man, the removal of which results in 3D views of the man’s feces.

Runners up: 

• Battleship
• The Divide
• Gone
• The Three Stooges

BEST GRATUITOUSLY FLAILING SEX SCENE 

WINNER: Killer Joe

The most innovative use of conjugated genitalia involved a scene that had a woman unzipping and going down on Matthew Mcconaughey's ... piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken. 

The Kings Speech Award for BEST PRETENTIOUS ENGLISH BULLSHIT MASQUERADING AS ART

WINNER: Anna Karenina

BEST Movie Based on a Video Game that is Based on Movies

WINNER: Act of Valor

The Katherine Heigl Award for the Shittiest Katherine Heigl Rom Com of the Year

WINNER: Katherine Heigl for One for the Money

The Dark Knight Award for BEST IMPRISONMENT BEING PART OF THE PLAN

WINNER: Skyfall

Runner up: The Avengers

The 50 Cent Award for BEST POPULAR MUSICIAN TURNED HORRENDOUS ACTOR

WINNER: Rihanna in 'Battleship'.

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

WINNER: Channing Tatum's crotch in 'Magic Mike'

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

WINNER: Kristen Stewart in Snow White and the Huntsman

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

WINNER: Nipples in Magic Mike

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

WINNER: Liam Hemsworth as the Pussy in The Expendables 2

BEST BULLSHIT MARKETING CAMPAIGN

WINNER: The Amazing Spider-Man. With great power comes great bullshit.

BEST WHOLE-MOVIE-SPOILED-IN-A-TRAILER

WINNER: Man on a Ledge

BEST BRAIN CURDLING MIGRAINE INDUCING POSTER

Runners up:

BEST ASININE HOLLYWOOD TWEET OF THE YEAR

Kathryn Bigelow would be considered a mildly interesting filmmaker if she was a man but since she's a very hot woman she's really overrated.
— Bret Easton Ellis (@BretEastonEllis) December 6, 2012

WINNER: Misogynist fuckface Bret Easton Ellis, for his nuanced and heartfelt thoughts on Katherine Bigelow.