The Raid 2 was not a movie. It was a fine dining restaurant tended by a single waiter-cum-cook named Gareth Evans. Following are the events that transpired when I took a seat.
Gareth Evans: Hello sir. Welcome to The Raid 2, your one stop destination for ass kickery, mayhem and guilty pleasures.
Me: Hello. What’s on the menu?
Evans: Have you visited our previous restaurant The Raid Redemption?
Me: Oh yes, I loved it. Is this one better?
Evans: You bet your ass sir. The previous one was a tasty quick snack, this is a more expansive seven course menu. But you’ll have to wait a bit for the dishes to be prepared. I assure you it’s worth the wait.
Me: Right on. What do you recommend I start with?
Evans: We have a splendid prison fight to kick things off. It’s delicious and it’s appetizing because it gives you just a hint of what’s to come.
Evans: We’ll follow it up with an insane rainy mud fight featuring three dozen extras.
Me: Can you do it in a single take?
Evans: Oh sure. Single takes are our specialty. You won’t believe it until you taste it.
Me: Cool. These are just the starters?
Evans: They’re meatier than most other whole courses, and you’ll be drooling for more. We’ll follow those up with two spicy items named Baseball Batman and Hammer Girl.
Me: Rad names!
Evans: They’re as awesome as their names. It’s too bad they’ll be over soon and you can’t ask for more!
Me: Do you have chase sequences? I would like to have one train and one car.
Evans: You got it sir. In fact the car chase is so good it will make you scream Holy Hastamaithun! And it’s not easy shaky cam cheating, it’s the real thing and it’s bloody good.
Me: Sounds cool. I loved Mad Dog the previous time. Can I get some more?
Evans: A different version of Mad Dog will be served, with double the butt bashing.
Me: Ok I’m gonna go ahead and order something outrageous just to see if you oblige. I want slicing, dicing, one kitchen fight, three corridor fights, four executions and six villains. And snow in Indonesia.
Evans: You’ll get much more than all that sir.
Me: Can.. can I also have a shotgun blast to the face?
Evans: * Smiles and nods *
Me: Gasp. How much do you think the censors will chop off before you serve this menu to me?
Evans: Sir as you know ball busting is against Indian culture, but this time the censors only chopped off nudity.
Me: I’m ok with that. Bring me the food!
Evans nods and walks back, picks up a knife, and smiles devilishly while slowly closing the kitchen curtain.
(First published in Mid Day)