According to The Hitchhiker’s
Guide to the Galaxy, the Total Perspective Vortex is the most horrifying
form of torture in the known universe. The Vortex is a small steel box in which
its victims stand and are suddenly shown for a mere instant something so mind
bogglingly demoralizing that they fall out of the box dead. I can now disclose
to you what that something is: footage from Salman Khan’s latest release, Jai
Ho.
This is a list of recent Salman Khan
movies that are universally considered as bad, horrible or Nazi torture: Marigold, Lucky
No time for Love, God tussi great ho, Heroes, Yuvraj,
Veer, Ready and Bodyguard.
As difficult as it is to believe, Jai
Ho is worse than all of those films. I can’t look into the future, but
I’m fairly certain the police could soon throw Jai Ho DVDs instead
of tear gas to pacify a mob.
With Arbaaz Khan directing Dabangg
2 and Sohail Khan helming this film, the Khan siblings have formed a
Shamanic Triangle of Terribleness. A remake of the Telugu film Stalin (which
in turn was a remake of the Hollywood film Pay It Forward), Jai
Ho time travels back to the ’80s and delivers an outdated, clichéd and
ham-fisted attempt at showing a hero fighting for the common man. Bhai plays
Jai, a Hulk Hogan version of Arvind Kejriwal, who fights corrupt politicians,
saves damsels in distress; helps injured beggars, amputees write exams;
restores kidnapped children to their parents and beats up goons who dare to lay
a hand on his sister (Tabu).
I wrote two paragraphs worth of plot
synopsis and character descriptions and then deleted them because I realized
they’re pointless. Anyone reading this review falls into one of three
categories:
1) Those who love Salman Khan so much
they’ll ask for an Ek Tha Tiger screening as their last wish
on the electric chair.
2) Those who love Shahrukh Khan and
want to gleefully place a dynamite under Bhai’s movies.
3) Those who prefer more challenging
and cerebral cinema than ‘commercial masala’, but want to know if Jai
Ho is fun enough junk for a timepass viewing.
If you’re in the third group, you’ll
find this movie as interesting as a game of Pin the Tail on a Donkey. If you’re
in the second cluster, well, have fun. So the burning question is, does Jai
Ho work as a ‘commercial masala movie’ for its target audience? The
answer is a gigantic no. Jai Ho is a milestone in the marriage
between boredom and nonsense. Those who watch Bhai’s films turn off their
brains to enjoy his masterpieces, but they don’t deserve to be insulted or
bored.
First, the songs are absolutely
unbearable - they feel like the Khan siblings are punching our ears with
cactus-embroidered gloves. Secondly, the film looks cheap, is atrociously
written, lazily shot, clumsily edited and delivered with all the class of a mud
wrestling match. Director Sohail Khan seems unsure of what his own target
audience needs from their heroic and godly Bhai. Even die-hard Bhai fans will
be bored to tears with the painfully drab romantic subplot between Jai and
heroine Daisy Shah, who makes an entry with a classical Indian dance number to
portray the purity of the Bhartiya Nari.
The lack of novelty, intelligence and
cinematic artistry is not as much a criticism of Jai Ho as
much as its lack of entertainment value. Most the comedy of Jai Ho is
a humour-impaired tragedy. Here we have jokes about women’s underwear, horny
neighbourhood MILFs and the usage of the Gujarati word ‘Gando’ because it
sounds like a certain Hindi expletive. Not to blame the audience, but if
you find these ‘jokes’ hilarious, you should see a neurosurgeon and ask about
getting a brain.
However, the worst thing about Jai
Ho is neither the lousy jokes nor the turgid songs, it’s the
antiquated and aggressively stupid attempts at emotional wrangling. You get
gaudy dramatic music when a woman receives an urgent kidney transplant from her
son in law. You get a 30+ year old ‘brilliant’ college student who commits
suicide because of a traffic jam. You get a set of goons who gel their hair,
drive posh cars, wear gansta hoodies, play rap music and boast about raping
women.
Heck, in one scene Tabu tells Bhai to
not rise against a villainous politico because she is finally close to her
estranged mother; she watches Bhai get beaten up and then looks at the camera
and gives him the command to fight back. If all that weren’t enough, there’s the
theme of “helping three people who in turn help three other people” that every
character mentions at least twice in the film, rendering some unintentional
hilarity in the process.
There's an unmistakable sense of
desperation in Jai Ho, as if the nearly 50-year-old Salman is wary
of his shelf life in the industry and must do everything possible to hold on to
his star power. With an army costume, yellow rimmed dark glasses and jeans,
Salman’s Jai is a cousin of Chulbul Pandey injected with the nauseating germs
found in Ready and Bodyguard. Daisy Shah can dance
well but gives Sneha Ullal a run for her money with her lack of acting chops.
The only little ray of sunlight in this black hole of boredom is the young
Naman Jain who plays Jai’s nephew with a lot of spunk.
The supporting cast is an amazing
array of actors filed under Where Were They For All These Years’: Genelia
D’Souza, Ashmit Patel playing a living breathing side table, Yash Tonk in a
hilariously fake wig, Mahesh Thakur who looks like he still hasn’t recovered
from the shock of Satya 2, Mahesh Manjrekar playing an autowala,
Aditya Pancholi playing a corrupt cop and even Danny, Sharad Kapoor, Nauheed
Cyrusi and Vatsal Seth. The great Mohnish Behl also makes an extended cameo,
sharing screen space with Bhai, bringing back memories of Maine Pyaar
Kiya. This could have been a solid nostalgia trip if all these actors
didn’t show up only to leave like robots.
The bloke who invented the Total Perspective Vortex did so basically to annoy his wife, and Sohail and Salman have basically made Jai Ho to annoy their audience. Like the vortex, Jai Ho gives you a glimpse of the vast infinity of art, filmmaking craft, humor and talent, and somewhere in the vastness is a tiny little mark, a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot which says “This is Jai Ho, you are here”.
The bloke who invented the Total Perspective Vortex did so basically to annoy his wife, and Sohail and Salman have basically made Jai Ho to annoy their audience. Like the vortex, Jai Ho gives you a glimpse of the vast infinity of art, filmmaking craft, humor and talent, and somewhere in the vastness is a tiny little mark, a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot which says “This is Jai Ho, you are here”.
(First published in Firstpost)
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