2013 was a wonderful year for Bollywood
– the industry gave us Satya 2, Murder 3, I Don’t Luv You, Hum Hai Rahi CAR ke,
Shortcut Romeo, Ekk Thee Sanam and Ishq Actually. With great vengeance I sifted
through the cinematic trash can to collate the worst movies of the year. Because
these movies weren’t hand grenades, but the atom bombs whose detonations of dreadfulness
created Hiroshima and Nagasaki sized mushroom clouds in my cerebrum and caused
permanent damage to my mental harmony.
10) R Rajkumar
With choice lines like 'mere mooh
mat lagna, mai sehed ke liye haanikaarak hoon', and Sonu Sood singing ‘I am
your Bull, You are my shit, Together we are Bullshit’, R Rajkumar was an unfunny, idiotic, juvenile, maddening, moronic,
outdated gulag of guano that galled and irritated with every passing second of
its interminable stream of pig swill pretending to be humor. Not to mention the
film’s regressive and misogynistic tone that expected the audience to cheer
when a woman gets whipped.
9) Himmatwala
Sajid Khan was confident that Himmatwala would be Ajay Devgn’s biggest
hit and one of the most successful Hindi films of all time. For assuming that
he really is a Himmatwala, as were the poor sods who dared to watch this movie
in theatres. The film was presented as ‘a Sajid Khan Entertainer’, but it was
pretty much the entertainment equivalent of being poked in the ribs with a
screwdriver for two and a half hours.
8) Issaq
Manish Tiwar’s Issaq used the soundtrack of Blood Diamond in its trailers but was
made as if its only purpose was to infuriate the audiences. From terrible green
screen to hopelessly horrible writing and acting, this was a fully equipped
stinker doomed to tank.
7) Grand Masti
How this movie, starring a
singularly uncharismatic trio of actors, with ten year old SMS jokes as its
selling point managed to make money is beyond my realm of understanding. But
hey, one shouldn’t blame the audience right? Shame on me for even thinking along
those lines.
6) Sanjay Dutt Double Bill
Policegiri and Zilla
Ghaziabad are proof that Sanjay Dutt wanted to commit two crimes so heinous
it would take the focus off his 1993 court case. The only reason why he keeps
getting out of Yerawada every now and then is because they keep playing
Policegiri and Zilla Ghaziabad in the rec room TV.
5) Satyagraha
At this point it is clear that
Prakash Jha is only making movies to troll audiences. There is absolutely no other
way that the guy who made Damul, Mrityudand
and Gangaajal would make Raajneeti, Aarakshan, Chakraviyuh and Satyagraha, all of which look like
unused footage from one single film that Jha shot and abandoned in the 90’s.
4) Chennai Express
Good comedy film me interesting
plot hoti, solid characters hoti, funny jokes hoti, comic timing hoti. Kya? Tum
ye sab Chennai Express se maangti? Tum High Maintenance Diva hoti. Humesha jaake
bokwas Nicholas Winding Refn film dekhti aur commercial cinema appreciate nahi
karti.
3) Zanjeer
Not much needs to be explained
about a movie where Prakash Raj the villain mouths ‘Chickens and chicks are the
two meows of my life’ and the hero Ram Charan’s facial muscles are so tightly
attached his eyelids would close if he scratched his cheek. The cherry on top
was director Apurva Lakhia making blatant mockery of the late crime journalist
J Dey to commercialize his film.
2) Krrish 3
With CGI made from MS Paint, costumes
recycled from Alif Laila, a super villain Garbage Can Man, made by people who
are convinced that Hrithik + Dance + Flying + Kangana cleavage = free money,
and box office shamelessly inflated to pretend to be a blockbuster, Krrish 3 is the pits of filmmaking. This
wasn’t even a film, this was Rakesh Roshan calling you a moron for two and a
half hours, and it wasn’t the worst movie of the year only because of the existence
of Ram Gopal Verma.
1) The Attacks of 26/11
It took an RGV to demonstrate
that Kasab wasn’t the worst thing to happen to the 26/11 victims. The Attacks of 26/11 will be used as a
case study on how a filmmaker can make the most offensive possible film on a
national tragedy. It astounds me
that RGV utilized the music from the video game Max Payne during the shootout
scenes. It astounds me that this movie had a sex scene between two rubber
tyres. It astounds me that he got away with all of this, and he still continues
to procure money from producers to make more films.
Bonus Suite - Films that are
so bad they’re awesome:
Rajdhani Express – Starring Leander Paes as a psychotic killer.
3G – Where Neil Nitin Mukesh is haunted by a mobile phone screen ghost
whenever there is 3G connectivity.
Enemmy – Starring Mithun, his son Mahakshay, Sunil Shetty, Kay Kay
Menon, Johnny Lever, Mahesh Manjrekar as Expendables style CBI officers.
Sona Spa – India’s answer to Inception, starring Naseeruddin Shah
as the owner of a spa where women don’t sleep with you, but for you.
Dishonourable Mentions: Besharam,
Chashme Badoor, Gori Tere Pyaar Me, Boss, Rangrezz
(First published in Firstpost)
(First published in Firstpost)
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