Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Worst Bollywood Movies of 2013

2013 was a wonderful year for Bollywood – the industry gave us Satya 2, Murder 3, I Don’t Luv You, Hum Hai Rahi CAR ke, Shortcut Romeo, Ekk Thee Sanam and Ishq Actually. With great vengeance I sifted through the cinematic trash can to collate the worst movies of the year. Because these movies weren’t hand grenades, but the atom bombs whose detonations of dreadfulness created Hiroshima and Nagasaki sized mushroom clouds in my cerebrum and caused permanent damage to my mental harmony.

10) R Rajkumar

With choice lines like 'mere mooh mat lagna, mai sehed ke liye haanikaarak hoon', and Sonu Sood singing ‘I am your Bull, You are my shit, Together we are Bullshit’, R Rajkumar was an unfunny, idiotic, juvenile, maddening, moronic, outdated gulag of guano that galled and irritated with every passing second of its interminable stream of pig swill pretending to be humor. Not to mention the film’s regressive and misogynistic tone that expected the audience to cheer when a woman gets whipped.

9) Himmatwala

Sajid Khan was confident that Himmatwala would be Ajay Devgn’s biggest hit and one of the most successful Hindi films of all time. For assuming that he really is a Himmatwala, as were the poor sods who dared to watch this movie in theatres. The film was presented as ‘a Sajid Khan Entertainer’, but it was pretty much the entertainment equivalent of being poked in the ribs with a screwdriver for two and a half hours.

8) Issaq

Manish Tiwar’s Issaq used the soundtrack of Blood Diamond in its trailers but was made as if its only purpose was to infuriate the audiences. From terrible green screen to hopelessly horrible writing and acting, this was a fully equipped stinker doomed to tank.

7) Grand Masti

How this movie, starring a singularly uncharismatic trio of actors, with ten year old SMS jokes as its selling point managed to make money is beyond my realm of understanding. But hey, one shouldn’t blame the audience right? Shame on me for even thinking along those lines.

6) Sanjay Dutt Double Bill

Policegiri and Zilla Ghaziabad are proof that Sanjay Dutt wanted to commit two crimes so heinous it would take the focus off his 1993 court case. The only reason why he keeps getting out of Yerawada every now and then is because they keep playing Policegiri and Zilla Ghaziabad in the rec room TV.

5) Satyagraha

At this point it is clear that Prakash Jha is only making movies to troll audiences. There is absolutely no other way that the guy who made Damul, Mrityudand and Gangaajal would make Raajneeti, Aarakshan, Chakraviyuh and Satyagraha, all of which look like unused footage from one single film that Jha shot and abandoned in the 90’s.

4) Chennai Express

Good comedy film me interesting plot hoti, solid characters hoti, funny jokes hoti, comic timing hoti. Kya? Tum ye sab Chennai Express se maangti? Tum High Maintenance Diva hoti. Humesha jaake bokwas Nicholas Winding Refn film dekhti aur commercial cinema appreciate nahi karti.

3) Zanjeer

Not much needs to be explained about a movie where Prakash Raj the villain mouths ‘Chickens and chicks are the two meows of my life’ and the hero Ram Charan’s facial muscles are so tightly attached his eyelids would close if he scratched his cheek. The cherry on top was director Apurva Lakhia making blatant mockery of the late crime journalist J Dey to commercialize his film.

2) Krrish 3

With CGI made from MS Paint, costumes recycled from Alif Laila, a super villain Garbage Can Man, made by people who are convinced that Hrithik + Dance + Flying + Kangana cleavage = free money, and box office shamelessly inflated to pretend to be a blockbuster, Krrish 3 is the pits of filmmaking. This wasn’t even a film, this was Rakesh Roshan calling you a moron for two and a half hours, and it wasn’t the worst movie of the year only because of the existence of Ram Gopal Verma.

1) The Attacks of 26/11

It took an RGV to demonstrate that Kasab wasn’t the worst thing to happen to the 26/11 victims. The Attacks of 26/11 will be used as a case study on how a filmmaker can make the most offensive possible film on a national tragedy. It astounds me that RGV utilized the music from the video game Max Payne during the shootout scenes. It astounds me that this movie had a sex scene between two rubber tyres. It astounds me that he got away with all of this, and he still continues to procure money from producers to make more films.

Bonus Suite - Films that are so bad they’re awesome:

Rajdhani Express – Starring Leander Paes as a psychotic killer.

3G – Where Neil Nitin Mukesh is haunted by a mobile phone screen ghost whenever there is 3G connectivity.

Enemmy – Starring Mithun, his son Mahakshay, Sunil Shetty, Kay Kay Menon, Johnny Lever, Mahesh Manjrekar as Expendables style CBI officers.

Sona Spa – India’s answer to Inception, starring Naseeruddin Shah as the owner of a spa where women don’t sleep with you, but for you.

Dishonourable Mentions: Besharam, Chashme Badoor, Gori Tere Pyaar Me, Boss, Rangrezz

(First published in Firstpost)

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