Movie Review: Satya 2

If Thor, with all his might, banged his hammer on my nether regions, the pain would still be mild compared to the cataclysmic, apocalyptic agony of watching Satya 2. 

Packed with catatonic acting, cheap sets, tacky songs, hilarious drama and more GoPro action than you can digest, Satya 2 is yet another nail in Ram Gopal Varma’s professional coffin, or another laurel in his filmmaking wreath, depending on your cinema sensibility. If you take the original Satya and eliminate every visible aspect of filmmaking know-how, you’d still get a better movie even if it is very similar to this quasi-sequel. 

One of the most challenging and intriguing things about Satya was its writing. The plotting was so concise and the lines and the characters seamlessly connected with the neo noir direction that launched a whole new genre of cinema in India. Satya’s style became the backbone of dozens of crime thrillers, sadly Bollywood rehashed the formula to increasingly turgid results and this shameless and bungling sequel is the latest example. 

The spectacularly untalented Puneet Singh Ratn stars as the titular character, a mysterious young man who lands up in Mumbai with a plan of one day ruling it. After getting a taste of some money and making connections with shady people, he embarks on his spree of plotting, laundering, manipulating and murdering – all to establish a social context of crime lords being more humanitarian and effective than the government. 

With the synopsis out of the way, I struggle to figure out where to begin describing the film. Let’s start with writer Radhika Anand who seems to have been hustled into letting RGV direct her script. I find it impossible to believe that Ms. Anand would pen a slutty female character named ‘Special’ who bends over and whispers ‘Mera naam Special hone ki ek bahut badi kahaani hai’, so I assume she wrote a good story treatment, which the venerable RGV promptly mangled into his own trademark Penthouse-like script. 

Remember the memorable acting, awesome camerawork, gritty frames, Bhiku Matre and all the stunning thrills like the movie theater bust out from the original Satya? Yeah, all that stuff is not in this sequel. The Mumbai underworld concept is given casual lip service in the beginning, and for some moronic reason, Satya 2 simply reuses scenes from the original film, Company, D, Sarkar, Bhindi Bazaar and countless other D-company movies made over the past ten years. It’s very unsettling to see the self-references RGV makes in Satya 2 – he does it in a grotesque manner, assembling all his previous glorious creative outputs together in an outlandish horrifying design, and watching the film really does feel like stepping inside the mind of a demented man. 

The golden rule of RGV cinema abides – every other scene is shot with a GoPro camera in horrendous resolution, with psychotic camera angles that have literally no bearing on the story and plot. At times RGV channels his inner Gaspar Noe and shoots scenes with a camera attached to a toy helicopter flying over buildings. Instead of panning, the camera jerks around, moving clumsily and hilariously like a clumsy ghost. Adding to the visuals is the famous RGV-branded ‘Govinda Govinda’ dramatic reaction music that kicks in every time something remotely dramatic happens. If RGV directed your life, every time you pick up your toothbrush or sip water or tie your shoelace, loud blaring percussion would suddenly roar around you. 

I’m positive that RGV and his casting director deliberately set out to find the worst possible cast on the face of the planet because the performances here are unreal. Even if Anaika Soti and Aradhna Gupta had never seen a camera before in their lives, and even if Mahesh Thakur was injected with a gallon of LSD, and even if the lead Puneet Singh were actually a doorknob with drawings of eyes and ears on it, the acting would still be higher in quality than what we get to see in Satya 2. After a point it is heartbreaking to see these guys ham, tumble, and wrestle with their facial muscles for two and a half hours. 

RGV seemingly has no qualms about having his name dragged through the dirt. With Phoonk, Agyaat, Dongala Mutha, Not a Love Story, Department, 26/11 and now Satya 2, it is clear that he loves to revel in the ineptness of his movies, like it’s a badge of honour to be called India’s worst working film director. He’s clearly here to stay and in no hurry to make a good film. 

(First published in Firstpost)

Movie Review: Thor The Dark World

Despite the presence of Kenneth Brannagh behind the camera I thought the first Thor was an okay film, and a mostly unmemorable one. At this point I can’t recall a single scene from that movie. Things changed post The Avengers and Thor 2 is a significantly better, more entertaining and definitely a more memorable movie.

Directed by TV veteran Alan Taylor, Thor: The Dark World corrects most of the mistakes of its predecessor, and adds on a large dose of humor – something that was severely missing in all of the pre-Avengers movies (barring Iron Man). Surprisingly, this is not as much a Thor movie as much as it is a Loki movie. Let’s face it, Thor was entertaining only when he was made fun of by Tony Stark in The Avengers, and Marvel have realized that Tom Hiddleston’s Loki is a cooler, more fun character than the drab muscular Chris Hemsworth. In fact we get to meet Loki in the film before Thor makes his entry.

The story is sadly a mishmash of Captain America, the first Thor and The Avengers – angry villainous dude in outer space needs to find some strange otherworldly object that would give him the power to destroy Earth and take over the universe. This is lazy writing no doubt, but the film has a couple of neat action set pieces including a fight through wormholes, apparating from one world to the other. The action itself is way more expansive than the first movie, and it’s not overblown or exhausting like in the recent Superman feature. One other thing where Thor 2 improves vastly on is the artwork – all of the CGI and practical sets have this awesome blend of ancient Viking designs and futuristic sci fi overtones. Whether it’s a laser equipped ship crashing into the medieval Romanesque Asgard or a CGI beastie running around London or a human turning into a scary, unstoppable monster, the artwork of the special effects has got you covered, if you watch it in 2D.

Thor 2 also has the same problems that Iron Man 3 did – it’s a mess, and it shows. The narrative is all over the place, catering to the dumbest possible audience. From jarring editing to tonal shifts, there is no semblance of flow or continuity to be found in Thor 2. The heroine, once again, exists only as a damsel in distress, and is once again played by a laughably bad Natalie Portman. Also there is absolutely zero sense of wonder or discovery along the way because we’re given the whole mystery in the first five minutes. It’s annoying, and the dumbing down was clearly Marvel interfering with the director’s vision and process. It might be a ‘winning formula’ but it’s unfair to Taylor that Marvel didn’t take a risk and refused him a chance to make a smarter, more cohesive movie.

To make up for its gaffes Thor 2 has not one, but two post credits scenes, one of which is guaranteed to blow your mind because it offers a glimpse into the unbelievably massive scope of Marvel’s next film. I won’t spoil the name, but I can assure you that this film crosses two different universes, and is so ginormous it makes the Batman-Superman movie look puny in comparison. Guess away.

(First published in MiD Day)

Zero Charisma

To an extent, I am a nerd. I have watched thousands of movies, read hundreds of comics and played a truckload of video games over the past two decades. Instead of socializing with relatives I prefer sitting in my room and playing video games or discussing The X Files with my other man-child friends. I’ve seen movies that made caricatures of nerds, but I’d never ever seen a movie about nerds – until I watched Zero Charisma.

Directed by the editors of Best Worst Movie Katie Grahams and Andrew Matthews, Zero Charisma is an utterly, darkly hilarious (and a wee bit tear-jerking) film that plunges into the bizarre, hysterical depths of nerd culture. This isn’t anything like The Big Bang Theory where all the characters are grossly exaggerated and the jokes are watery thin. The protagonist here literally has zero charisma – he’s an outcast, a burly overgrown dude who has nothing to show in life but his mastery of tabletop RPGs with friends who are even bigger losers than him.

Scott (played by Sam Eidson) is a modern day, comical version of Travis Bickle – he hates the idea of modern computer games that detach you from the spirit of social gaming, and he will go to any extent to preserve the sanctity of table top RPGs and being a ‘game master’. Every Thursday night is Game Night where he sits with his fellow nerds in his grandmother’s kitchen and initiates a medieval fantasy game where he acts out the cut scenes and the characters through an amusingly flimsy system of rules that he has formulated. Despite his age he plays passionately with his action figures in his bedroom and really hates it when someone unceremoniously walks in. He truly loves the spirit of the games and the tiny culture he is part of. Which is why he can’t take it when a new member joins in his team and turns out to be smarter and better versed with geek culture than him.

Directors Grahams and Matthews truly get nerd culture. When Scott plays with his action figures or moderates his games, an epic World of Warcraft and LOTR orchestra style music kicks in to reflect what Scott sees in his head during those moments. Two years ago in Bombay I met a celebrated filmmaker whom I worshipped like a God and he turned out to be a spineless hypocrite who can’t give two shits about cinema or his fans. I was reminded of this incident when Scott meets his idol, an ageing tabletop RPG enthusiast and is dumbstruck by his lack of tact for his fans and interest in the spirit of tabletop gaming.

Zero Charisma also beautifully establishes the contrast between its two central characters – Miles, the popular, successful, handsome, new guy in the team uses geek culture for fun for his own benefit, but for Scott it’s a disease he can’t get rid of. Scott’s family life is a depressing hell – his only means of escape is by indulging in the fantasy world of his games and listening to Death Metal. It wouldn’t have been possible to empathize with Scott had the character been played by anyone but Eidson – his comic timing is terrific and he brings this helpless innocence to his character, just enough to make you laugh at him but also reach out to him. It’s admirable that the filmmakers supplant the protagonist’s pity with humor and still manage to move you. And it’s even more incredible that this movie is accessible to those who aren’t even familiar with nerds, games, metal, dungeons and dragons.

There are many, many more things in Zero Charisma that make me sure that it will be remembered over the next twenty years the way we remember Clerks now. Like that Kevin Smith movie, this is a funny, tiny budget indie with observations that have never been made before and characters who’re part of a culture that’s always been a bit misunderstood. Real life hardcore nerds will see their own lives unfolding in front of their eyes, and they’ll be glad that someone finally made a movie about them instead of ridiculing them. For that, I give directors Grahams and Matthews 500 Experience Points. 

(First published in DNA)

Movie Review: Krrish 3

Having survived Rakesh Roshan’s Koi… Mil Gaya and Krrish, I walked into Krrish 3 knowing what to expect – ‘inspiration’ from Hollywood films, inept direction and special effects, laughable dialogue, not-so-great songs and actors who don’t feel embarrassed by their cringe-inducing roles. What I didn’t expect was for Krrish 3 to be so mercilessly, excruciatingly boring. 

The superhero of atrocious superhero filmmaking has struck again, and it’s not a pretty sight. Take the most superficial components of X-Men, Batman, Superman, Spiderman and even Shaktimaan; stuff them together in a litter bag, set that bag on fire and inhale the fumes – that’s pretty much what Krrish 3 feels like. The film is two and a half painful hours of poorly presented, unexciting action scenes, awful computer graphics, unimaginative storytelling and Hollywood theft of the most blatant and shameless variety. 

So divorced from the spirit and energy of superhero films is Krrish 3 that it feels like something cobbled together by a bunch of clueless people who are convinced that Hrithik + Dance + Flying + Kangana cleavage = free money from cinemagoers. Superhero fans and movie geeks, even the teenage ones, deserve a lot better than this. The ‘plot’ picks up a few years after the events of Krrissh 2 (better known as Krrish). Junior and Senior Hrithik are up against a superhuman baddie named Kaal. This time, family gets kidnapped and things get personal, because Kaal is to Krrish what Venom is to Peter Parker. Will Krrish save the damsel in distress from Vivek Oberoi’s clutches? Watch the movie to unravel the mystery! The film is proud to claim five screenplay writers, which suggests that either the writers are Superhero Nom de Plumes of Rakesh Roshan, or they expect their audience hasn’t seen a single Hollywood movie or read a comic book.

Flip to any random sequence of Krrish 3 and you’ll see a film instructor’s worst nightmare: 

a) Acting that is clumsy at best and unintentionally funny at worst. For some bizarre reason, Hrithik, who is in fact a massive talent, spasms and quivers his face every time he wears his Krrish costume and flies. Does the cold wind of Mumbai’s stratosphere make him shudder? 

b) Costumes and sets that look like they were recycled from Alif Laila. A lot of buildings collapse and crumble like the 1950s’ Japanese Godzilla movies. 

c) Songs written and choreographed to give the impression of a mammoth collision of various terrible components from 90s’ Bollywood. 

d) Action choreography and editing that makes Ajooba look modern and stylish. Shyam Benegal has directed better action scenes than those found in Krrish 3. 

e) More product placements than you can count. A big experiment that Krrish’s Scientist Papa does with lights has a prism branded ‘Flair Pens’. In another scene, Hrithik and Priyanka literally walk into a frame from either side and the camera focuses on two prominent brand hoardings instead of their faces. 

Astoundingly, Krrish 3 is able to showcase CGI that seems to have been created using MS Paint. Seriously, the special effects in this movie make Ra.One and Aditya 369 look like the works of Stanley Kubrick and Ingmar Bergman. One wonders if Rakesh Roshan has seen Rajinikanth’s Enthiran, because a film that arrives three years after Enthiran should be more action packed and imaginative. But the soulless action set pieces in Krrish 3 just sit there, lazily trying to dazzle you with shrieking stupidity. Oberoi, who is initially a combo of Professor X and Magneto, later wears a metallic costume that looks like it was bought from a clearance sale at a Halloween store. Think Shaquille O’ Neal from Steel, but infinitely more ridiculous – that is what Oberoi’s ‘scary villain’ looks like in Krrish 3. The poor guy looks even more amusingly ludicrous during the flying and landing scenes because the CGI is almost worse than the croma from Supermen of Malegaon. 

Kangana Ranaut, who is smart and candid in person, is given perhaps the most embarrassing role of her career. She’s made to wear latex S&M costumes and deliver her lines in elliptic staccato. From Ranaut’s blank (but beautiful) face to the perpetually-confused one of Exotic Chopra and including all the scene-chewing cameos from Arif Zakaria, Rajpal Yadav, Mohnish Behl and Rakhee Tandon (Sweety from Hum Paanch), this is a movie that has desi versions of pretty much every character from every American superhero series. And just as Mystique morphs so smoothly into different personas, your bewilderment morphs into contempt as you watch Krrish 3, because really, the film is just a filmmaker calling you a moron for two and a half hours. 

(First published in Firstpost)